Morningside Community Church

I often hear parents comment on struggles with setting and enforcing rules with their teens.   “How do you know which rules to make?”   “How do you enforce them”? “How do you know the rules or consequences of violating such rules are appropriate”?   “Did we go too far?”   “Did we go far enough?”

In an article by Mark Gregston, Director of Heartlight Ministries, he identifies two questions that should be asked when establishing rules that govern you home: “How much will this rule matter after I am gone?” and “Will this help build my child’s character, and cause him to become more mature or responsible?”   If the answers are no, the rule and motivation should be revisited.

Gregston begins with establishing that the purpose of rules is to foster honesty, obedience, and respect.   I think it’s so important to keep the purpose in mind to help establish boundaries for our rules, so that we don’t get lead astray by emotions.   He also identified the parameters for what rules should and should not be…they should be relevant, attainable and beneficial, not a source of shame, frustration, or failure.   Often we base our rules solely on the rules of our childhood.   Some may be appropriate, but   those that cause shame, frustration or failure should be removed from the set of rules that govern our home.   Also, all rules are not constant.   As your teen matures, some rules can and often must be modified to reflect their maturity level.   So don’t be afraid to take time to discuss the evolution of these rules with your teens.

Regarding enforcement of rules, Gregston stated that loss of privilege is a powerful consequence.   I can think of the many privileges that I see teens have today….cell phones, cars, computers, and video games.   Since these privileges are such an intrinsic part of most teens’ lives, it can have a significant impact when they are lost.   Children should be made aware not only of the rules, but also the consequences of not abiding by the rules.   Then the hard part comes when the rules are violated….parents have to enforce the consequences.    

I really liked the way Gregston summed up the article in stating that no rule is more important than the relationship with your child.   So make it clear to your teens that rule keeping or rule breaking has nothing to do with your love and acceptance of them. For more information regarding parenting teens go to:

http://www.heartlightministries.org/